I know youre not particularly fond of this portmanteau, Javanka, since the name-blending moniker was dreamed up by your longtime foe Steve Bannon.
But few things have brought me as much cheer in 2017 than this nickname for you, Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump. It sounds somewhat like the name of a Disney villain, and its much more fun than Democrats, another nickname courtesy of Bannons faction in the White House.
A portmanteau like Javanka seems especially appropriate given the extent to which you failed to impress Washingtons elite. They see the First Couple, or the deputy First Couple, as a single entity–persona non grata in D.C., as Vanity Fair put it recently.
Indeed youve weathered a lot together since this time last year, when you were gearing up for President Trumps inauguration.
Democrats found you intriguing, Ivanka, when you managed to arrange a meeting with Al Gore, Leonardo DiCaprio and your father to discuss climate change.
Surely shell convince him not to pull out of the Paris climate accord, they assured themselves, before he did just that last June. Surely Ivanka will have some sway over the president when it comes to her pet issues, like equal pay and maternity leave, they told themselves in vain, then wept into their soup when President Trump rolled back Obama-era equal-pay protections in April.
Before you proved to be a wholly ineffective advocate, Ivanka, you gave these sheeple a glimmer of hope. During the campaign you successfully presented the measured case for Trumpism, free of profanities, superlatives, and bigotry. Turns out you swear like a sailor behind closed doors, according to your fathers erstwhile chief strategist, and youre too cowardly to take responsibility for your inability to sway your father when it comes to policy.
Or maybe you dont care enough about these issues to advocate for them beyond posing photos of yourself with children to promote STEM education. We know youve worked hard to persuade the public and associates in the White House that youre focusing on issues like STEM, job creation, paid family leave, womens empowerment, and child-care tax credits.
We know you think people should only judge you based on the success or failure of these issues rather than, say, your fathers decision to ban transgender troops from serving in the military.
Evidently it was unrealistic to expect you to influence your father on policy other than as it pertains to your pet issues. Shame, then, that you have no policy accomplishments whatsoever under your belt as a senior White House advisor, beyond convincing the World Bank to start a fund for women entrepreneurs. Youve earned due credit for this. So what if you have no role in managing that fund?
And Jared: You were also supposed to be a moderating force in the White House. Youre the eldest son in a family of prominent Democrats, and you and Ivanka used to hobnob with limousine liberals in New York City.
So you were given the benefit of the doubt when the president made you a senior advisor in his cabinet, despite anti-nepotism laws and potential conflicts of interest. Your father was a crook and you were politically ignorant, but you looked saint-like compared to Steve Bannon, Jeff Sessions, Stephen Miller and Michael Flynn.
But looks can be deceiving. Because here we are, a year since Trumps inauguration, and youre ensnared in a political catastrophe. Youre a key suspect in Robert Muellers investigation into whether the Trump campaign had any connection with Russian efforts to influence the election in your father-in-laws favor.
You need no reminder that the last days of 2017 have been especially rough for you, Jared.
The same week that Bannon threw you under the bus for making it appear as if Putin had helped Trumpthat you met with the Russians to get additional stuffBloomberg reported that you were the very senior member exposed in Flynns plea bargain who ordered him to arrange a meeting with the Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak.
Meanwhile, federal prosecutors in Brooklyn have also subpoenaed Deutsche Bank records about your familys real estate business, and you and Ivanka were jointly sued for failing to disclose assets from 39 investment funds on your federal financial disclosure form.
Maybe some of this stuff is just bad optics. But if thats the case, why has your lawyer been shopping for a crisis public relations firm in recent weeks?
You know more about all of this than us, Javanka, but 2017 was a complete disaster for you. And youre not blameless, despite Ivankas I didnt ask for this! refrain whenever shes criticized for being complicit or lumped in with the swamp.
If 2018 is going to be any better for Team Javanka, youd both do well to be less disingenuous.
Ivanka, we know you will not publicly disagree with your father because it would telegraph a message that youre not part of the team or whatever.
We know youll never admit that you were in fact "complicit," just as SNL so deliciously, and pointedly, parodied.
If you ever have to confront the complicit charge in an interview again, dont pretend like you dont know what the goddamn word means. Youll continue to get away with a lot of bullshit, but you wont get away with that one next year, since complicit was declared one of 2017s words of the year.
Next time your father signs an executive order banning travel to the U.S. from seven Muslim-majority countries, dont publicize your glitzy life on Instagram as if nothing happened.
You could also apologize next time you make a screw-up, rather than have sources close to Ivanka tell the media that you felt bad about it.
We know youre well-versed in platitudes and that youre accustomed to saying a lot about nothing, but maybe you should take a page out of your fathers book and tell it like it is, for once.
Theres no sense pretending that you want to help the American people and make the world a better place. Im not sure why we entertained the idea that Javanka might be our countrys salvation during the Trump presidency. If it were true, you would have likely shown more interest in public service before arriving at the White House.
Even if a part of you does genuinely care about advocating for womens issues, Ivanka, beyond your vague interest in promoting womens empowerment, you didnt make any friends in Washington by assuming you were just as qualified to affect change as people who have spent their entire lives advocating for the same issues.
Remember when you tried to be a middleman between Planned Parenthood and Republicans who wanted to strip the organization of federal funding?
You thought your deal-making skills as a businesswoman would apply here, so your surrogates went to the organization with a proposal that the White House would increase their federal funding if they stopped performing abortions, according to Vanity Fair. Easy as that!
Except Planned Parenthood turned it down, for obvious reasons.
Youre going to have to try harder than you did last year if you want to convince people that youre not just your father in a millennial pink shift dress, as my colleague Erin Ryan put it.
Each of your attempts to distinguish yourself from your fathers bigotry in the last twelve months–your pro-LGBTQ tweet ahead of the transgender military ban; your denunciation of white supremacy after Charlottesville–only highlighted the extent to which youre "complicit."
No one cares much about what you say anymore, since you evidently dont have as much influence (if any at all) over your father as some of us hoped. They care about what you do.
That said, heres one last bit of advice: if youre not going to do anything, get out of there–for your sake more than ours.
Move your brood to Alaska for a few years. It may be hard to imagine, but isolation may be more appealing if Jared ends up in prison. Rescue your faux feminist brand while theres still time, before even the most apolitical among us turn on you.
Steve Bannon is certainly right about one thing: the hobbits and deplorables are not Javankas demographic.